Previously we’ve identified the first step towards marriage, and how we should all have a structured idea of what it is. Marriage is a project that needs each partner to invest their time and energy into, in order for it to be a success. So, what about step TWO, how can we apply “Planning” in relationships? What about Sex for instance?
Part 1 of the Article: https://hrrevolution.me?p=1156
2nd Step: PLAN
There are two main plans you have to do here:
(A) Plan your questions
(B) Plan your life together
- Plan Your Questions
- NOTE: this step is quite long, so don’t rush into it. It takes 3-4 months to truly know a person, face to face. It takes the same period for a crush to either evolve into love or just fade away. I would say it takes longer than 4 months for long distance relationships.Get your questions ready. It’s not an interview; it’s like meeting a new friend, and trying to get to know them better. Only thing, this friend, might be your life partner, so you’ll have to ask more questions than those asked to regular friends.
Here are four different websites, for questions that you can ask a potential spouse:
– “Questions you want to ask someone you want to marry”
– “Ten Important Questions You Should Ask Potential Partner”
– “Questions to Ask a Prospective Spouse”
– “276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry.”The most important question to ask your potential spouse is: “Why do you want to get married?” After you know their answer, are your definitions of marriage alike or different?
Those are all examples of questions you could ask; you can make your own list, and use proper communication skills to ask those questions. Again, this is NOT an interview! Also, ask them to take the “The 5 Love Languages” and “16 Personalities” quizzes, so that you will both have a better idea of each other’s personalities.
Remember, even if the person you’ve met has answered all the questions perfectly, only God knows if they are good for you or not. So ask for His guidance. Always look at how that person acts. Actions speak louder than words. And as much as you’ve used your brain for the questions, ask your heart if that’s the person you truly want to live your life with. Does that person excite you? Do they make you happy? Do you make them happy? Do you enjoy your time with them?
Also, take care of the “Red Flags“. The “Red Flags” are your warning signs to stop this relationship where it is. You avoid them, you are in big trouble.
Warning: you might have been single for quite some time. This might make you a person who is in love with the idea of “love”. So practically any person, who seems to fit, might be a potential spouse for you. Please don’t make that mistake. That person has to fit in BOTH your heart and mind. That person is your partner. There is a difference between “attachment” and “true love”. Attachment is when you don’t think clearly, because you are attached to the idea of love, you don’t like the person, you like the tingling feeling you get when you are around them. You are in constant turmoil, and definitely not stable. Your brain has been blinded by all the negatives of that person, some of which might be red flags. True love makes you feel peaceful, from within, and it shines outwards. It’s like you’re finally home. You love that person with both your heart and mind. You know his/her negatives, and accept them, as a whole.
At this point you need to lay down your insecurities on the table. What do you fear from relationships? What general fears do you have? What are your weaknesses and strengths? Do you have any medical condition(s) that need to be known?
After you’ve known such critical information about a potential partner, be a respectful human being and don’t abuse them!
- Plan Your Life Together (Get Engaged)
Congratulations; you’re now sure that you’ve found your life partner. Here is the exciting bit, the chapter where you decide your life together. Now, both of you have some homework to do; I’m sorry, but this will save you so much time and you’ll avoid unnecessary arguments.
Your homework consists of the following (have a pen and notepad OR your laptop ready, to take notes down):
– As a couple, look up what your religious marriage responsibilities and rights are. - As a couple, look up what your legal marriage responsibilities and rights are.
- As a couple, read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”
- Ladies: read “Act Like a Lady,Think Like a Man”
- Men: read “For Men Only”
After you know your responsibilities and rights, and have done your reading to understand your partner more, now you can plan your marriage life goals. Use the “Funnel Technique” for planning:
– Wide goals: What’s your goal from marriage? An example of an answer: to live peacefully, to enter heaven with my spouse…etc.
- List of goals: Get a paper and pen and draw a table. Divide the table into columns with the following titles:
– Finances
– Children
– Wife’s personal goals
– Husband’s personal goals
– Mutual goals
– Travel/Vacations
Then, divide the paper into rows with the following titles: 5 years plan, and yearly plan. Under each column write down your goals, make them realistically optimistic. List down goals from getting a new house, to moving to a new country, to getting a PhD, to traveling to a new country every year or two. Whatever it may be, write it down. (Notice: I wrote “personal goals”, this is because both of you are distinct individuals. Getting married doesn’t mean losing yourself for the sake of other. It means, becoming a better version of yourself, with the help of your partner.)
- Specificities:Here, you write down the specific details of your everyday life. Responsibilities in this section are divided according to what each person in the relationship knows how to do or is willing to do. For instance, who takes care of the budget, who does the cooking, who does the cleaning, who does the laundry, who does the dishes, and so on…
Regarding the intimate (sexual) details, I advise you to discuss that after writing your marriage contract (before the actual wedding) OR a better and more preferable option is to discuss it with a premarital counselor. Premarital counseling helps you improve your relationship before marriage. You don’t have to be in a crisis in order to go for counseling. It’s actually advisable to go for counseling BEFORE getting married. In Premarital counseling, you can review your goals with the counselor, they will give you a clearer perspective of what you can prevent, avoid, and do; and that’s all based on their years of experience with other couples. Premarital counseling is a good place to also discuss the intimate details and insecurities. Try finding a counselor that has background knowledge of your culture and religion.
You will tell me, “But this is so stressful! Why can’t we just enjoy and celebrate our love during this period, rather than do all the planning?” You are right, it is stressful, but do remember; marriage life without preparation is stressful. Let me be clearer, if you don’t know how to balance love and everyday life requirements before entering marriage, how will you do it when you are married?! Challenges during the engagement period, are a great way to get you closer to your partner. You are a team now, and have to do things together.
To be continued…>Married Life<
By: Dr. Sara Abdelghany
Photography: Mahmoud Mansi
Editor: Sarah Shalaby